It's the Little Things

Growing up we, my siblings and I, didn't seem to receive a lot of love from our parents.  That is to say, we didn't receive it in the traditionally accepted manner.  They didn't hug us all that often and actually saying out loud that they loved us didn't become a thing until we were all well into adulthood.  In fact, I think it was only after my nieces and nephews were born that either of our parents expressed those words to any of us kids.  
That was hard to deal with growing up.  Pop culture and the media seems to imply that if you loved somebody, you needed to tell them.  Say those simple words that so many seem to have a difficult time getting out.  

But it wasn't until probably 10-15 years ago that I realized love can be expressed in different ways for different people.  What can I tell you, I'm a slow learner at certain things.  But ironically, it was in seeing my parents and how they treated people they loved that I started to emulate that subconsciously.  

It was a couple of years ago that my sister mentioned a book she had been reading called The Five Languages of Love and it really opened my eyes to how our parents treated us and in turn, how similarly I was doing the same.  
For anyone not familiar with the concept,
The Five Languages are:
    Words of Affirmation
    Acts of Service
    Receiving (Giving) Gifts 
    Quality Time
    Physical Touch

These should be pretty self-explanatory.  And yet, growing up, we so rarely got words of affirmation.  The first language and the most common to be seen in media.  But I cannot think of a single time either of my parents said to me when I was a child, "I love you."  Or even, "I'm proud of you."  I was a bi-lingual child who would translate for teachers to other students who were ESL kids at best.  My first grade teacher, Mrs. Porter, was so grateful for what I was doing for the class and my studies that she invited me to an Ice Capades show.  Can you imagine a teacher taking a prized pupil to an event that she paid for out of her own pocket these days?  Parental permission was given but she did ask I not tell my other classmates about it because it would look as though she were playing favorites.  And I didn't tell a single one of my classmates until...  now.  40+ years later.  
Then, after that 1st grade year, I had excelled enough that both I and another classmate, David Bendorf, were invited to attend a summer camp for exceptional students, Pegasus Program.  I didn't think much about it other than, cool, more stuff to do.  It was maybe a week or two in total and, to my knowledge, was paid for by the school principal, Mrs. Delp.  The only 4 students from our school to attend the program were myself, David and Mrs. Delp's two grandkids.  
Once I got back to classes and the 2nd grade in the fall, David had been sent off to a GATE program at Patton and I found out I should have joined him but there was some sort of issue with the registration.  But come the Spring semester, I was on a bus to GATE classes myself.  And still, not a word of encouragement from either of my parents.  In fact, what I would often hear from my mom was almost the opposite.  Warning me that if I didn't keep it up, they were going to kick me out and I was going to be a disgrace.  Very backwards, I felt, parenting using fear and intimidation rather than words of affirmation.  And so it went on throughout my years in GATE.  Not once was I ever told how proud they were of what I was doing, how I was progressing.  Just a constant reminder to not fuck up.  It's funny, I know now that my progress was being more closely followed by my aunts than I knew at the time.  They even used me as an example and benchmark for their own kids.  "You see how Louie's doing.  You need to try harder to be more like him."  Or something to that effect.  
But my parents seemed to be so divested of my school progress that when it came time to promote from 6th grade to middle school, my teacher, Ms. Weber, told me to make sure my mom contacted Alamitos and get me placed in a Pre-Algebra class when I got there.  I was always good at math.  I could see the formula and figure it all out in my head.  Drove her crazy because I never showed my work.  And I told her, I couldn't put it to paper because it would slow me down.  But I told mom she needed to contact the school...  and she did nothing about it.  When I got to Alamitos, I was placed in Math 2.  General ed.  While the handful of classmates from my GATE class were all in Pre-Algebra.  The next few years of math were all a review of my 6th grade year.  I wasn't given any challenge in math again until I my sophomore year and geometry.  And it wasn't because I didn't understand the concepts and formulas, it was because the teacher was an idiot.  Mrs. Gilmore.  Literally the dumbest person I ever knew to be a teacher and she was totally in over her head.  It was her first year teaching geometry and she was so bad at it, she would be writing out a formula on the board, as she was reaching the answer, she would suddenly stop, go over to the book since it had the correct answer and formula, measure up her work to the key, then go over and erase a number or two and plug in the correct number and then continue on.  No reasoning or explanation as to why she was getting a different answer to the formula.  It became so frustrating, I pretty much just quit listening to her, did my own thing in class, never did any of the homework assignments but still kept a better than C average in the class because I was killing it on all the tests.  I cracked the Scantron forms.  But that's another story.  

I think the first time dad actually TOLD me he was proud of me was a few months before my 30th birthday, late 2001.  I had been working at the city for a few months and had finally bought my own car.  My first car new off the lot.  He actually hugged me.  And dad hardly ever showed physical affection back then but he was beaming over that.  

Anyway, all this is the preamble to realizing now, decades later, that my parents were never the type to say they loved you, much less hug us to show they cared.  But their love languages were different.  

Mom was, and still is to this day, the type of person who commits an act of service to show how much she loved us.  The menial chores around the house, the cooking, the cleaning.  That's her way of showing how much she loves us.  It didn't dawn on me sooner but the last several years, whenever I'd go out to visit, I'd often get to the house and she was cooking up some homemade tortillas and carne con chili for me to eat.  Even if I wasn't hungry, food would be ready to be served almost as soon as I walked in the door.  And my sister would pout a little saying, "she never makes this for us!"  Well, no but you have her all the time, you see her every day and she's doing laundry and cleaning the house for you and your boys.  That's how she's showing you she loves you.  

Dad on the other hand was definitely the Gift Giving type.  He was never comfortable receiving either.  That is for damn sure.  I can't tell you how often I would go back and forth over what to get him for his birthday or Christmas and then a few weeks later, I'd see my brother wearing the jacket I got him or an uncle had it on.  Dad didn't really want any of that.  But man, he loved to buy us random stuff to make us happy.  He got us a 3-wheeler ATC once.  We didn't know how to ride, had nowhere to put it but sure enough, we became the most popular kids in the neighborhood when we'd tear-ass around the street and along the railroad tracks with that thing.  We'd come home from school to a new bicycle in the kitchen waiting for us.  For Christmas one year, he bought us the US-1 electric trucking system.  Basically a Tyco slot car track but with big rigs.   He said it was for our cousins but go ahead and play with it just to make sure they'd like it.  He was always doing little things like that.  
It wasn't until he was older and his health started to decline that he couldn't afford to buy us gifts and started to just want to spend time with everyone.  That's the big thing about dad.  In his final few years, he just wanted people to visit and stay as long as possible.  Even when he was in the hospital or convalescent home, he just wanted somebody there to keep him company.  I can't imagine how lonely it must have been stuck in bed all day, every day.  Once I went to see him after I had spent the day with A. and her daughter.  He was already asleep when I got there but I gently woke him up just to let him know I was there.  He tried so hard to stay awake but I had to let him get to sleep, I was only there maybe 10 minutes.  

So how does this all come down to me and my expressions of love?  Well, for those of you who know me, you've probably been on the receiving end of many of these from me.  From very loudly and expressively telling or even shouting across a parking lot, "LOVE YOU!" to the small acts of service.  Sure, I'll wait a few hours and hold us a spot near the stage.  How many times have some of you gotten a little something from me in the mail?  A book, a silly little toy or any random little thing that made me think of you and it was on your doorstep.  "I got this for you because I thought you'd like it."  The physical touch, I crave so bad.  That's what made this past year and change the hardest for me.  Being unable to touch, to hug, to squeeze those I love.  And if you've ever been on the receiving end of one of my hugs, you know I fully mean them when I do.  None of this half-assed side/arm hug.  These are full-on, both arms, wrapped around each other, body press.  And now that I'm fully vaccinated, it's just a matter of time before I finally get around to everyone on my list.  But I'll get there.  
But of the five languages, the one that's most important to me, I feel even more than the others is quality time.  Just to spend time in the presence of those I love makes me the happiest.  Even if we don't do anything, we don't go anywhere, we don't even have to say a word, just being there is so important to me.  

Individually, each of those can seem almost inconsequential.  They're just minor, little things.  But it's the little things that count.  

Size Matters?

Thinking about that whole Tiny Home movement and I can't help but think that the majority of people that have been buying into those things to "get away from it all" have primarily been people who have had the privilege of never having gone without. 

They don't know what it's like to live at or near the poverty level where you don't have the option of scaling back your lifestyle. Because you can't afford to go without. 

I think of a former friend who dreamed of owning her own Tiny Home. Her living situation at the time was still at home with mom and a dog. In a 3-bedroom home in an upper middle class neighborhood. Her dad lived in a condo in a coastal community. This girl was the epitome of a privileged life, never even needing to work since daddy kept her on the payroll. 

She's never had to live in a converted garage or share a room with her parents and siblings in a relative's home because there were no other options. 

There was another girl I briefly dated that was very similar. Loved to think of herself as very bohemian, shedding all the trappings of life and just getting by.  I find it odd that there's people who think so highly of themselves for being able to do that. Neverminding the fact that most of the world and even a majority of Americans don't have the luxury of making that a choice. Most Americans live day-to-day because there's no other option. They don't have rich parents who can provide a parachute if things get too rough. There's no backup, no trust fund to dip into if money gets too tight. They don't have the luxury of traveling the world on a moment's notice. The rest of us need to make plans because we don't have someone there to catch us if things go wrong. 

I guess, that's kind of what the fantasy of tiny homes has been for these people. The curiosity factor. To see how the other half/90 percent live. And once they get bored of the simple life, they'll sell it at a loss and move right back into what they know. Because they can afford to.

Is That The Best You've Got?

 This is a thought I've been kicking around for a while now and it seems to be cementing itself more as I recently joined a Gen-X group on social media.  And while it's fun to share memories about the way things used to be, I can't help but be a little...  disappointed, I guess would be the closest word I'm looking for.  Disappointed at the attitudes of my fellow Gen-Xer's.  For a group of kids who were the lost generation, the middle generation, the generation that was ignored by society, the latchkey kids, children of divorce and nuclear families, as they(we) are getting a little longer in the tooth, I get more and more disappointed that their attitudes are becoming more and more like the Boomer Generation.  

I've lost count of how many times a Gen-Xer will post about the "good old days."  Or how things were "simpler back then."  And the mocking derision of the other generations, the Boomers, Millennials and Z to an extent.  And I can't help but laugh, This is NOT what Gen-X was supposed to be about.  We were the "Meh" generation.  The disaffected youth.  The rebellious middle generation that lived through the excesses of the 70s and 80s, birthed the grunge movement to counter that. Stripped down our music to the core, revolutionary filmmakers that stepped away from the traditional studio system and took chances in their storytelling. Gone was the big hair, big shoulders, gaudy looks in fashion. Jeans and a t-shirt was the uniform. Maybe a flannel if it got cold.   Now as the older members of my generation are reaching retirement age...  and how scary is that?  They're starting to sound more and more like Boomers before them.  Pretty soon these members of X are going to be sitting on their porches, listening to Whitesnake while their Firebird becomes a rusting heap in the driveway.  

I've often heard many of them lament about how they wished they could relive those glory days.  How they want to go back to that place in time because of how much better things were for them.  To which I say: FUCK THAT. 

The 80s, while I enjoyed my era of growing up and living at the tail end of the Cold War, before the War on Terror, the War on Drugs, the beginning of the AIDS epidemic, the information age, the launch of MTV, the only reason anyone could realistically say those were the "better days" were because their lives haven't improved much, if at all, in the intervening 30+ years.  Sorry my generational brothers and sisters, my life has excelled since those days.  THESE are my glory days now.  The only thing reliving the 80s would do for me that would be an improvement on today would be to still have my family members I've lost over the decades.  Grandparents whom I didn't know that well, or my own father, who was tough to really get to know because he was so involved with keeping a roof over our heads and still trying to be a good son to his own parents.  

If the best years of your life are over 30 years ago, you either haven't really appreciated what's come since, or you really don't have much of a life now and likely, didn't then.  The only difference may be that the blissful naivete of youth is what beckons you.  Was that honestly the best your life ever got?  

Some People Think Too Highly of Themselves

This one goes back several years.  And it crosses over to a few people and their overestimation of their skills.  Specifically when it comes to fellatio.  What?  I'm going there?  Yes.  Yes, I am.

Now, what brought this to mind is one of those things that kind of always nagged in the back of my head.  But the first time I recall having a conversation about this with a girl was well over 12 years ago.  I was still living in Riverside at the time and the girl I met on Match.  I'm pretty sure it was Match.  Anyway, I'm really not sure how she and I really started talking since we were both out of each other's geographic preferences and then there was an age difference.  She was younger than my minimum by a few years.  Early 20s to my mid-30's.  But somehow, we were chatting and it was all about the Angels.  Let's face it, when the subject of Angels baseball comes up, let me pull up a chair and get comfortable, we're going to be talking for a while.  
Anyway, JD and I were chatting it up and despite the age differences, we agreed to meet up for an Angels game.  I think the first time, I did pick her up from home before the game.  And this was a big deal because as I mentioned, I lived in Riverside at the time.  She lived in Huntington Beach.  Realistically, we should have met at the stadium since it's closer to a midpoint between us than me making the trip to HB, the game, then drop her off at home before heading home myself.  Yet, here I was.  
She was good company and truly loved the Halos, almost as much as I did.  But before too long, we get to talking about Match and our luck, rather, lack thereof, on the site.  Just as we're settling into a groove, she kind of drops a bit of info on me about her talent at performing fellatio.  Say what?  How did that just become the topic of conversation?  O.k, I guess we're going there. 
And she goes on talking about how every guy she's ever been with and performed that for, they've all raved at how talented she was, "Best they ever had."  And she was beaming with pride over it.  

After a few moments, I had to gently let her down with the truth.  Odds are, she probably wasn't.  And the only reason guys would say that is because they want you to do it again.  Sorry ladies, and some of you fellas out there, thinking you're the best at that.  The fact of the matter is, NO ONE ALIVE would ever tell a girl (or guy) that they suck...  ed at it.  Any oral sex is good oral sex.  Even the worst in the world is still better than none.  And as a result, no guy is going to be telling anybody they were bad at it.  Not if they ever hoped of getting it again.  Sorry to burst your bubble.  It's the truth.  

And no matter how often I kept telling JD this, she swore she was the best at it.  I know what you're probably thinking by now.  That I was attempting reverse psychology in the hopes that JD would offer to prove herself to me.  But while she may have if I continued that course of conversation, the fact is, I wasn't interested.  She was fun to go to the games with, she was cool to hang out with in general.  But I was never attracted to her physically.  And she tried so hard for so long to get me interested in her, even mentioning her preference for bigger guys. So, whatchu saying I'm FAT!? 😡

We kept in touch and attended a few more ballgames together, in my mind, strictly platonic.  She tried different tacts over the following months.  And then when I moved to HB for work the following year, she REALLY got aggressive in her attempts.  Often inviting herself over to my place to hang out.  Which we did.  And nothing ever came of it.  Not on my end.  She would come over to play Wii, we'd go swimming, we'd drink, watch games and then at the end of the night, she'd head home.  It got so mundane between us that, despite me putting out invites to everyone and anyone via MySpace and Facebook whenever I'd go see the Spazmatics, she got to be really angry in my comments on those invites.  Once even "yelling  in ALL CAPS" that I'm never really inviting her, it's just a blanket offer, that I didn't really care if she came out because if I did, I should invite her personally.  And even the times she would make it, I acted like I didn't want her there, I never made her feel welcome.  
Yes, this was her "jilted girlfriend" comment to my group invitation so all my friends could see.  Which was hilarious when other friends chimed in, "Louie always makes me feel welcome." and others along those lines.  

I think once JD realized that things between us weren't ever going to happen is when she finally started really looking for other dudes to date.  And then she moved to an apartment closer to mine.  And despite her inviting me over a handful of times, hell, her place was literally on the way between my place and work, I never once stopped in with her.  

She got the hint finally and stopped talking to me altogether once she found a new guy and moved in with him.  They've been married several years now with two kids.  Dude probably thinks she gives the best head.  

616

 As the Marvel Cinematic Universe starts Phase 4, we're going to be hearing a lot about the number 616.  And while the heroes of the MCU have battled their villains on earth, in space, and in the quantum realm, you may have heard the number 616 referenced a handful of times now.  Both in Marvel's Cinematic Universe and in the Spiderverse.  Both the animated Into the Spiderverse film and in the most recent live action offering, Far From Home.  The distant rumblings of the Multiverse.  Parallel dimensions.  Alternate Realities.  

Long the stuff of science fiction, alternate realities is an interesting concept.  At its base form, it's the idea that there exists an entirely different version of reality, that to all intents and purposes is a mirror image of ours but often loaded with minor and major changes to the world, the dimension we currently inhabit.  

Imagine, if you will, how much differently your life could be from the one you've lived if only you had done one thing different.  If you hadn't missed the bus to school, you would have done well on the pop quiz in class that day and kept your spot on the team.  A scout happened to be in the stands the day you had your best game of your life and the scout talks you up and you end up going pro. 
Alternately, you were slightly distracted playing with your phone and didn't see the car as it came into the intersection and t-boned you in the driver side door, causing permanent damage or even losing your life.
What if you stayed home to work on that science project instead of going out with your friends for a few hours.  You score top marks on the project and it looks better on your transcript getting you into Columbia instead of the local junior college.  You take up engineering and aerodynamics and now you're sitting on the launch pad as you're about to take off to the ISS for your mission.  

The Multiverse concept means that in a different reality, those outcomes did occur and now there are parallel universes where the professional sports version of you exists, there's an astronaut version of you and there's a paraplegic version of you as well.  The good with the bad.  And being the multiverse, everybody's different outcomes have the same potential of existing.  Pretty heavy stuff once you really start to break it down.  

And that's where the MCU is going as they further expand along the theme.  In fact, the next Doctor Strange film is captioned: The Multiverse of Madness.  

And where does 616 come into play in all of this?  According to Marvel, their prime comic book universe where all their heroes existed was Universe-616.  Meanwhile, say a side-story happens where all their characters turn into zombies.  It's happened.  So that universe gets a different designation.  Peter Porker, the Spectacular Spider-Pig?  In his universe/alternate reality, animals can speak and therefore, is a different designation.  There are several dozen alternate realities to the Marvel Universe.  Both comic and cinematic.  Then, why is 616 the primary designation for every character you know and love?  Better question, why not?

Now, I've heard/read variations some of the artists and writers have tried to explain the reason for it.  Like it has some sort of special meaning assigned to the designation.  But perhaps the best answer I've ever read, and I wish I could find the article that stated it.  The artist said; There is nothing inherently significant to our universe.  Or something to that affect.  There's nothing special about it, it's just a number assigned to it.  And that is brilliant.  

If we were to label the universe we exist in as 1 or Prime, how incredibly conceited is that?  That somehow our universe is more important than any other reality.  Suppose there existed an alternate reality where wars were never waged.  A universe where they've discovered the cure for cancer and every man, woman and child were treated with respect and dignity and seen as equals from the moment they're born.  A true Utopia.  Would that universe not be more important than ours?  

Just like we've learned through science over the millenia, the earth was not the center of the universe.  The sun was not the center of the universe.  Even our galaxy isn't the center of the universe.  And it's in that humility, where we can accept that we aren't the end all, be all of existence, can we truly learn and grow.  

Best By Date:

 One of those lingering issues (of many) over the years with dating, not just online dating but dating as a whole, it was during the early 2000s, until about a decade ago, I noticed there was this repeating trend I would hear from girls I met and would actually go on dates with that really stood out to me.  And it bothered me at the time but looking back, it bothers me more in that, how the scenarios were presented to me.  Allow me to explain.

The first time I heard this line was probably around 04, I had just bought Betty I.  I met a local girl online and we got to talking, she was totally cool.  Total nerd/gamer girl and we connected like crazy, Robbi.  We compared stories about Comic-con trips and found out we had both been during the same years a few times.  She was STILL playing Dungeons & Dragons with a group of friends regularly!  We went out several times, most often to Gameworks and Dave & Buster's in Ontario Mills, a few times we (I) would drive to Newport to hang out in the evening sand before driving back.  
It was on a trip to D&B that we were progressing to being a little more serious, a little more intimate and I'll never forget this...  She was wearing the tiniest, smallest white skirt she probably owned.  It barely covered her cheeks as she walked, just enough that the panty line was visible.  And then at one point, she made an overtly intentional move to bend over to pick something up in front of her, flashing me her Pepe Le Pew undies.  I swear, that was too damn funny.  Being so seductive and then turning it into a joke for me was the best.  
And as I mentioned, we were talking about becoming a little more serious and that's when she hit me with the infobomb.  She was sick.  She skirted the exact illness other than it ran in her family but odds were she wasn't going to live more than 5 years.  That was some heavy shit to process in that moment.  So, what you're saying is that if we become serious, it's entirely likely you/we are going to be going through this in a few years?  I honestly couldn't process it well.  Handled it even worse, I was really getting to like her.
We didn't consummate anything that night and in the following weeks, we both sort of tapered off how much we were communicating with one another until she wasn't much more than she is now, a memory.  But that obviously still lingers with me to this day.  

Something similar sort of happened a couple of years later, maybe 05.  Another girl I was talking to, her I also met online.  Match.  Really cool and ironically, she worked in customer service for a cable company.  I forget which but she was Girl in Blue.  She and I would start chatting it up.  Again, I'm still in Riverside and she worked in Montebello, though she didn't say where she lived.  After about a week, she mentioned she was housesitting for a friend and his place was in Cucamonga, I could come to see her that weekend, keep her company.  Wink, wink.  
Saturday night I'm driving around some heavy tree-lined streets in Rancho, almost lost since cell phones of this era still weren't the greatest and forget GPS.  In fact, I didn't even get my first GPS unit until 2009 when it was a standalone unit I plugged in before each drive.  No, this was me going off maps I printed off Mapquest before I headed out.  I finally get to the place and there's her Xterra parked out front like she said it would be.  I knock on the door and yes, there's the Girl in Blue.  I obviously don't remember her name this many years later.  But she looked exactly like her photo.  Too bad her photo was just of her face from the shoulders up.  
Now, I'm not saying this to be mean, I know I'm not the ideal body type for anybody's tastes.  Although you could say I've been rocking the dad bod since before it was a thing.  But Girl in Blue was much shorter than the 5' 4" she said she was.  And her 'average' figure was hardly that.  This girl had CURVES.  I'm not saying that in a negative manner.  I mean, she had curves in all the places they should be.  Just maybe a bit more pronounced than average.  Significantly more than average.  I wasn't complaining but again, I also wasn't expecting that.  
She welcomes me in and immediately, I can smell the cologne of the guy she's housesitting for.  One of those musky scents that mechanics always seem to lean towards.  If you know, you know.  Anyway, we're on the couch, TV's playing something random and we're just talking, getting a feel for one another and that's when she drops something new on me...  
She's dealing with a medical issue that I should know about before we get involved.  O.k...  Turns out she was maybe not so safe with a previous partner and was dealing with something like cold sores in and around her mouth.  I couldn't see anything and we were sitting right next to one another.  And then she may also be dealing with another problem and she needs to get checked out before she and I do anything.  Well, that's thoughtful of her...  but you waited for me to come see you before you told me this?  I stick around a while longer, just to make sure she understands I'm not freaking out over this...  but internally I'm freaking out over this.  What the fuck?!  You seriously couldn't mention this sooner?  
And by 10 pm, I'm ready to call it a night.  And she quickly offers the bedroom to crash in if I was tired, she'd stay up and watch some TV.  Odd, thanks for the offer but I'm 20 minutes from home, I'm good.  She walks me out to the driveway and we turn and hug one another goodnight.  That was the last I saw and spoke with the Girl in Blue.  She never reached out to me after that night.  Not even to ask if I made it home ok.  Once again, the only reason she remains in memory like this is because of the infobomb she decided to give me almost as soon as I arrived.  

Around 2004 or 05, I met a girl on Match, Megan.  She was a teacher up in the high desert but she lived in some apartments near Victoria Garden in Rancho.  After a few days of chit-chat, she agrees to invite me over for a movie night.  I'll bring a handful of DVDs she wanted to watch and we'll order some pizza.  And it's while we're on the couch watching Almost Famous, pizza on its way that we start to become intimate, heavy petting, getting worked up when the doorbell rings, Pizza!  Hah!  Saved by the bell?  We stop to catch our breath and get to eating the pizza, watching the movie and before anything else happens, she needed to tell me something...  You know it's coming.  Based on the two stories I've already mentioned above, you know exactly what she's going to say. 
"Before we go any further, I need you to know I've got an STD. I want to make sure you understand that before anything happens, I don't want you catching anything."  Well, that was considerate...  But, you couldn't tell me any of this sooner?  We half-heartedly watch the rest of the movie, eat some more pizza and later when she wants to continue with the intimacy, I'm obviously not going to be as involved/interested as I was before you dropped that bit of news on me.  We didn't go very far after that.  We had one more pizza and movie night a week or so later before we both just stopped talking.  
Last I heard/saw her on Facebook, she was engaged with 3 kids.  Guess the baby daddy either didn't care/wasn't bothered about the STD or there wasn't an STD in the first place...  

The most recent time this line of excuses was used on me was about 10-11 years ago.  I was already living here in the OC and the girl I did NOT meet online.  We had become friends through a meetup group we were in.  So it's entirely likely any of the friends I have left from that era might know her so I'll just use her initials, KM.  KM and I got along really well during the meetup groups and even though I dated other girls in the time we were friends, we stayed really cool with one another.  It wasn't until I had broken up with JB from a previous story, that KM and I were really starting to spend more time talking and hanging out more than with just the Meetup group.  But I wouldn't say we were "not-dating," we truly were just hanging out.  At first.  She even tried to introduce me to a redheaded friend of hers.  That girl was HOT, way too hot for a dude like me.  But I still tried.  She was just too needy of attention from everyone and if it wasn't me, it was going to be the 2 dozen other guys she could be talking to at any given moment.  
It's funny, red came out to a group Meetup event for the first time and while I was talking to her, one of the guys in the group who SWORE he could hook up with any girl, and dude, I've seen the girls you've hooked up with.  If I lowered my standards, I could hook up with that many girls, too.  Anyway, dude decides he wants to get to talking to red.  While I'M talking to red.  He nudges himself in-between the two of us and I marvel at the audacity of this creeper.  And start to laugh as I see red sidestep away from him.  Not a lot but it's noticeable.  Dude is utterly clueless as he steps to close the distance again.  She takes another step away, obviously uncomfortable about him violating her personal space.  And he doesn't pick up on it and closes the distance again.  Over the course of the next 10 minutes I'm watching them as they're now on the OTHER SIDE OF THE TABLE from me.  She literally kept stepping away from him and he'd follow her blindly, not picking up the non-verbal signals that were telling him to "stay the fuck away from me."  Red had finally had enough and excused herself and abruptly walked away from the table.  Dude watches her walk away and then turns to me and said, "Louie, what are you doing over there?" 
I felt awful when I heard she was in a car accident a year or so later.  Paralyzed from the waist down.  Only significant injury in the vehicle that night. 
But back to KM, we were all out one night as a group.  Me, KM, Red and two dudes Red invited to meet up with us at Slaters.  Hah, that was awesome, that KM was trying to hook me up with Red and Red was bringing other dudes to the party. 
Anyway, it was at the end of the night, Red ditched us to go with the two dudes.  KM and I went to another couple of bars in Seal Beach before I dropped her off at home.  She apologized for Red and how she ditched us and I rather turned the conversation to, what about us?  We get along great, I'm attracted to you, I'm assuming you're at least somewhat attracted to me?  And then she took a few seconds, literal seconds, to prepare her response(s).   
She thought we wouldn't make a good couple because I'm not her type.  She only digs redheaded dudes.  And I'm too old for her.  There was about a 10-year age gap between us at the time, it's true.  But there was an even bigger gap between me and Red and KM wanted Red and I to hook up so age doesn't seem to be a real issue...  And that's when she dropped the infobomb.  Can you guess which one it's going to be?  
This is the point where she mentions that she's suffering from some vague, medical condition.  And she's only got about 5 years left until she's gone.  

Was there some sort of seminar for women on how to blow off a guy and try to not be the bad guy?  Because that's really what it's feeling like.  The fact that these women were suffering from varying medical conditions, a few of them really vague but life-threatening, and didn't mention the illness at all until it was beneficial to extricate themselves from a situation.  Could just be the cynical side of me saying that.  But the frequency these happened can't possibly be just a random coincidence.  Especially when it comes to life-ending but vague illnesses.  

BTW- Last I heard, KM was married and living up in Northern California.  That was a few years ago.  5 years past her Best By Date.

After Life

Memento mori.  When Roman generals would return victorious from war, they would be accompanied by a slave who would follow closely and repeat to them; Memento mori.  Remember death.  Thou art mortal.  As a reminder that no matter the accolades they were receiving, enough to draw the attention of the Gods, in the end, they were still just men.  They will still eventually die and rot away in the ground like the slave behind him.  

Man is one of the few creature on earth that is aware of their own mortality.  From a certain age, we come to accept that we will one day no longer be here.  At least most of us do.  Still plenty of people out there thinking that death won't ever come for them.  The rest of us know he's one day coming.

This is a list, concept I've been kicking around for several years now.  For a long stretch of time, being the family member with the most knowledge about video slide shows, I ended up becoming the go-to person to put together tribute/memorial videos for family and friends we would lose.  The first few times, I did it out of a sense of duty to family.  They were going through one of the most difficult times in their lives, the last thing they needed to worry about, I felt, was in coordinating these tributes to their loved ones.  I felt it was the least I could do to help them out.  
Unfortunately, as the years went on, I ended up doing more and more of these and they really start to weigh on me.  When I did dad's, I have to be honest, I started working on it months before he passed.  We just knew it was coming, it was only a matter of time.  But even with that much time to think about it, when it finally happened, it hit so much harder.  I have to be honest, I can't watch that video to this day without a few tears.  
So with that in mind, and knowing we're not going to live forever, I thought I could help out whomever ends up making my video...  I'm assuming SOMEONE would step forward and offer, God knows, I know enough people who are more than capable.  The photos and videos, I have thousands, literal thousands to choose from, so there's plenty to easily last the total runtime of my playlist.  But while the editor will be free to trim down some of the songs when they get repetitive, I would wish they could draw from all these musical selections.  I've curated this list over the years, changing the order sometimes, adding and dropping tracks when I'm introduced to something that I feel better fits the playlist.  As of April 18, 2021, this is my musical playlist for After Life.  

1) Sneak Out The Backdoor - Martha Bassett

Well I never been good at good byes,
I'm gonna sneak out the back door.

And when my life is over,
I'm gonna sneak out the back door.
Before the mood turns sober
I'm gonna sneak out the back door.

I was introduced to this song by Jason who played it for someone he knew and lost last year.  It just struck me as something I would totally do.  For as big and brash my personality can often be, truth be told, at the end of the party, I'll tend to quietly slip out the back without saying my goodbyes. 
Something I started doing because of family.  I'm Mexican and you know how we have to say Hello to EVERY Tio and Tia as soon as we arrive and then as the night's wrapping up, gotta track them down again or they'll get offended and talk shit if you left without saying goodbye to them.  By the time I was in my early-to-mid-20s, I had had enough and would just slip out the backdoor and be gone.  I'm thinking maybe when my time comes, it'll be the same.  Quietly without any fanfare, no goodbyes, just...  gone. 

2) Can't Help But Wonder Where I'm Bound - Johnny Cash

Well, if you see me passin' by and you sit and you wonder why

And you wish that you were a rambler too

Nail your shoes to the kitchen floor

Lace 'em up and bar the door

Thank your stars for the roof that's over you

And I can't help but wonder where I'm bound

The Man in Black will make more appearances on this list.  I know, I surprised myself.  And this first selection really does reflect a little on what's on my mind about the great hereafter, the undiscovered country from whose bourn no traveller returns.  I don't know what's out there waiting for me.  Is there an afterlife?  Is it just a big black void, nothingness?  Will my conscience cease to exist?  There are many unanswered questions and the only way to find out for certain is to go there.  But I'm not in any hurry.  I don't mind putting off that trip for as long as possible.  But when it does come...  

3) Starlight - Muse

Far away, this ship is taking me far away,

From away from the memories,

of the people who care if I live or die.

This is among my favorites by Muse and while the song was really about their fame taking them further and further from their closest friends and family, it easily applies to the afterlife.  This ship is taking me far away.  I'll never let you go if you promise not to fade away.  That's the one thing I believe many people feel about the great beyond.  They want to leave their mark on the world so as to not be forgotten.  Least of all by the people they held most dear.  Which leads right into...

4) Leave Out All The Rest - Linkin Park

When my time comes,

forget the wrong that I've done.

Help my leave behind some reasons to be missed.

Chester had his own demons to contend with while penning the words to this and other Linkin Park songs about death and loss.  And these lyrics are so poignant to me.  Which explains my generosity and desire to spend as much time with friends and loved ones as possible.  So that when my time finally does come, whether it be next week, next year or 30 years from now, I would like those who remember me to think of me fondly.  Yeah, I could be an abrasive asshole.  But I also would do anything to lighten the mood and do the littlest things to bring a smile to someone's face.  

5) We'll Meet Again - Johnny Cash

We'll meet again,

I don't know where and 

I don't know when.  

But I know we'll meet again

Some sunny day.

Once again, if there is an afterlife, I want to see everyone I loved on the other side of that rainbow bridge.  Both those who have gone before and those who will someday join us.

6) I Wanna Be Like You - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

I've reached the top and had to stop

and that's what's bothering me.

O.k., this is where my sense of humor kicks in.  What, you didn't think this was going to be an entirely somber event.  You must not know me if you thought that.  Ever one to self-deprecate to get a laugh out of someone, you a should be expecting at least a few more picks like this coming.  

7) This Old House - The Brian Setzer Orchestra

Ain't gonna need this house no longer,

He's getting ready to meet the saints.

As soon as I heard this version of the old standard, I knew it needed to be part of my list.  And it's no coincidence that it's another swing band either.  While I never learned to dance to swing music, I LOVE the big band style.  So raucous and upbeat despite the undertones of the song itself.  

8) El Rey - Vicente Fernandez

No tengo trono, ni reina

Ni nadie que me comprenda,

Pero sigo siendo el rey.

Again, with the jokes!  Haha!  But, it's also my song.  More so than I Wanna Be Like You despite that being King Louie's song.  A song about pure machismo to deflect from his own shortcomings.  I don't have a throne nor a queen and nobody understands me but I remain the king.   

9) Save My Soul - Big Bad Voodoo Daddy

I had a drink

With old Louie's ghost.

He was the most gracious host.

Even though this song is an ode to New Orleans, I just LOVE the smooth jazz vibe it gives off.  Asking the city to save his soul and then the line I quoted above.  

10) If I Ever Leave This World Alive - Flogging Molly

Wherever I am,

You'll always be

More than just a memory.

Think of this song as the dip in the rollercoaster.  Just as we had been reaching a good, upbeat feeling in the music selections, this one turns it back down a bit to ready you for...

11) In My Life / If We Never Meet Again - Selah

Soon we'll come to the end of life's journey

And perhaps we'll never meet any more

Till we gather in Heaven's bright city

Far away on that beautiful shore.

This combined track is about as spiritual as I'm going to get in this playlist and also the lowest point on this ride.  Depending on the selected photos and videos, there shouldn't be a dry eye in the house.  My apologies, kind of.  And know that this should be the point where I ask that you no longer cry over me.  I'll explain at the conclusion.  

12) Dead Man's Party - Oingo Boingo

Waiting for an invitation to arrive,

Going to a party where no one's still alive.

If you thought I wasn't going to include this song, you don't know me very well at all.  I hear the chauffeur coming to my door. Says there's room for maybe just one more.  Start celebrating.  This should be a celebration of life, yes?  Start the party now, just one song left.

13) Ain't No Grave - Johnny Cash

There ain't no grave,

can hold my body down.  

And Lucky 13, ain't no grave gonna hold my body down.  So long as my memories continue on with you, I'm never truly going to die.  

And at this point, once the music stops, I would LOVE it if someone hired a New Orleans style brass band and start the party!  Like I said, it should be a celebration of life.  Drink, try not to get shitfaced like my birthdays.  Throw beads but you gotta earn them!  Most importantly, enjoy your time, toast to my memory.  Talk about the time we almost got arrested after the night at the strip club.  About that picnic in the middle of a cemetery at 3 a.m. where the nice lady cop told us to just go home.  Talk shit about me and all the times I pissed you off over seemingly little things.   I know I had a knack for pissing people off.  Yeah, I stirred the pot plenty of times.  It's what made me, me.  

Top 5 Superhero Theme Songs

In My Humble Opinion, these are what I consider the Top 5 Superhero themes and their composers.

1) Theme from Superman - John Williams. 

    How could this NOT be at the top of any list?  It's ICONIC. Admit it, as soon as you read that, you could *hear* the early strains of the brass section building into that first crescendo. John set the bar so high with this one because, let's face it, he's John Williams. His scores instantly elevate whichever film they're in. 

2) Theme from Batman (1989) - Danny Elfman

    Once again, a modern classic that, despite there being multiple actors to wear the cowl, this score has carried over multiple times and it still holds up to carry the weight of a brooding Dark Knight. A vigilante set on fighting the criminal underworld his way. 

This next selection had me hemming and hawing for a while before settling on one just ever so slightly over the other and I'll explain why shortly.

3) Theme from The Avengers - Alan Silvestri 

    From the strings at the start, almost marching towards the grander spectacle that's to come.  This composition builds to this big brass fanfare and the entire orchestra following makes you want to cheer whatever's happening on screen. 

4) Is She With You? - Hans Zimmer and Junkie XL 

    From the moment Diana Prince dropped into the middle of the battle between Superman and Batman vs. Doomsday, in an otherwise lackluster film, this aggressive tribal/metal fusion let you know this Amazonian meant business. 

Which leaves me to explain the reason why my 3 and 4 picks were close but The Avengers edged out the Theramiscian. The Silvestri score is a filled out track that you could listen to from beginning to end and it feels like you're listening to a complete story. Meanwhile, the Wonder Woman theme, while aggressive, really doesn't go much deeper than that. Like, outside of that heavy tribal beat, I can't think of what the rest of the song sounds like. Like it's more of an excerpt, whereas the top 3 in this list are complete music beds. 

And finally,

5) X-Men the Animated Series theme - Ron Wasserman

    Oh yeah, out of left field, didn't see that one coming, did you?  But as soon as you read that, the uptempo synthesizer theme started playing in your head, didn't it?  It's a simple, repetitive track that builds right at the 60 second mark like any good TV series intro should. 

Honorable Mentions: 

Spiderman 1967 animated series -

Come on, who doesn't know this classic? It's such a classic, it's been riffed multiple times in the live action films.

Batman 1966 TV series -

The quick horns that lead right into a simple rhythmic bed manages to remain one of those songs that may never go away. 

The Lonely Man - The Incredible Hulk TV series 1977 -

Didn't think I was going to overlook one of the most stirring yet, low-key themes that's ever been used for a superhero series. It's entirely at odds with a rampaging beast it represents but carries so much weight. The reluctant hero on the run, who distances himself from anyone he knows and loves out of fear over what his inner monster could do to destroy everything around him. 

Honey Bunnies pt II

 So I'm in DC for about a week for work.  And while I'm on the other side of the country, Honey Bunny was having separation anxiety.  Yep, even though there's a 3 hour difference and I'm in the middle of conference sessions all day and work socializing every night, apparently I was supposed to be checking in and calling her regularly.  Say what?  Yeah, she finally got through to me 2 days into my trip.  And mind you, while all this is going on, I'm also dealing with another bit of drama AT the conference.  Well, not AT the conference itself but the people that were there.  

You see, this was the first time the office assistant was allowed to go on one of these trips.  She only went as a courtesy and she didn't pay for her room, one of our city liaisons offered to let her bunk up with her so it only cost the agency the flight and registration.  The Executive Director ok'd it and while that was happening, the office assistant started to tell me all about the stuff she was dealing with.  One of the employees of the liaison, who also happened to work as a production assistant for us quit working for the city.  But she kept working for us.  And the liaison was having a meltdown.  She was calling and texting the former employee at all hours of the night.  She was treating it worse than when she divorced her husband.  And thanks to the office assistant, I was given ALL the details between sessions.  

Anyway, Honey Bunny, that was my pet name for JB.  Anyway, she finally got hold of me on the phone for a bit while I was taking a break for lunch.  And that's when she told me all about how difficult it was for her that I was gone. 
"Babe, I've been gone 2 days."  
"And why haven't you called me?"
"Because I'm up and out the door for breakfast meetings by 7.  It's 4 in the morning back there.  Do you want me to wake you up?  I know how you get when you're woken up too early.  And then during my lunch breaks, it's 9 back home, you're at work."  The times just weren't going to line up.  And it's been 2 DAYS!!!  How can you miss somebody for 2 days?!  I'm going to be gone for 3 more.
"See, this is why I told you I wasn't ready to date somebody!"  
"Wait...  what are you saying?  You're not...  not while I'm on the other side of the country.  And it's been 2 days!" 
I eventually talked her off that ledge but come on, how unstable is that?  

But from that point, I made sure to send her good morning texts and a few random messages throughout the day.  That seemed to settle her down for the time being and we started talking about me coming home on Sunday.  

By the way, DC is beautiful while I was there.  Got a LOT of sightseeing done and it made me realize I should have booked a few extra days before or after the conference to take in the town.  A habit I started doing the following years.  Just an extra couple of days, I'd pay back the agency for those hotel nights.  Turn it into a mini-vacay on the company dime.  

Anyway, come Sunday, I'm boarding the plane, which was also the last flight out of DC, my connection was going to be in Atlanta and I'd be home by 9:30 pm.  Only that didn't quite work out that way.  Mechanical failure and heavy storms pushed everything back to where I ended up deplaning and the airline put me up in a hotel for the night.  Also scored a few hundred dollars credit voucher out of it.  But, that also meant I wasn't going to be seeing Honey Bunny until Monday.  And Monday meant that my flight wasn't going to land at John Wayne.  Nope, I was going to LAX.  And she wouldn't be able to pick me up because of work.  I'm scrambling to find someone to drive out to LAX to pick me up.  Which is a HUGE ask from anyone if you're at all familiar with LAX.  Had plenty of friends and family say they couldn't but if I wasn't able to make arrangements, let them know and they'll see what they can do.  Which is such an odd thing for people to say.  I mean, if you were that concerned and really interested in helping out, why not just make arrangements to pick someone up in the first place?  You know?  It's like, "oh my God, let me go out of my way to help you out so I can lord this over you for years to come..."  Dude, if you can help out, help out, don't make a big issue out of it.  That's something I've always done.  If someone has a big ask of me like that, either I'm going to change my schedule and say yes right then and there or say I really can't and apologize for it.  No wishy-washy, maybe, we'll see, if I don't have to be too put out by it.  Anyway, my cousin Vanessa stepped up and drove up from Murrieta to LAX to pick me up, drove me to John Wayne to pick up my luggage. Weird that made it to the airport in the same amount of time it took for my direct flight to LAX and drive down to Santa Ana.  I thanked her profusely.  And I was home.  I got to finally see JB that night at her place.  Yes, that's right!  I finally got to visit her at home.  Seems grandma was out for the night so it was cool for me to visit.  

And it was during that visit that JB started in again with the: maybe I wasn't ready for a relationship yet talk.  She was really trying to break up with me again.  What the hell.  I was home.  But once again, we smoothed things over and were back to being ourselves for awhile.  Turns out a while was just about a week.  

She had mentioned she wanted to have some skin tags surgically removed, remember, body dysmorphia, but was worried about keloids.  She finally found a surgeon who could do the work and take the utmost care to avoid the scarring.  Great.  But we were supposed to go to Disneyland that weekend.  My friend, Keri, whom I hadn't seen in MONTHS was coming up from San Diego and she wanted to meet you.  We had a little back and forth and JB didn't want to go because she was supposed to stay off her feet to recover from the surgery, don't stress the incisions.  It was Keri who suggested, why don't you rent her a wheelchair, so she could be with us and not have to walk.  That's brilliant!  I'll let her know. 
JB came back with, she didn't want to be a bother, she didn't think she'd be strong enough to push herself around the park all day in a wheelchair.  Honey, you're my girlfriend, I shouldn't even have to say it but I'll be pushing you around the whole day, it was a given I didn't think I had to explain.  And JB was ok with that idea.  For about a day. 
Literally the next day, she opted out of going to the park again because, and I quote, she didn't want us to be using her in a wheelchair to get to cut in lines at the park.  Say what?!  When did that EVER become a thought?  Nobody even suggested it, she overthought the entire thing and she zeroed in on her being in a wheelchair was going to be us taking advantage of her in the condition she was in.  What?!  Yep, that became the reason she didn't join us at the park that day.  

Needless to say, Keri and I had a great day at the park but she was a bit disappointed JB never made it out.  I don't think I mentioned the reason.  But before the end of the night, I got a text from JB asking me to call her once I got home.  Yeah, saw that one coming.  And I'm sure you can all read the writing on the wall by this point.  

I finally get home, exhausted, tired from a day at Disney.  I call JB and she wants to come over.  Ok... 
She arrives and I'm still splayed out on the couch, she comes over and sits down, ready with her prepared and practiced speech. 
"You knew I wasn't ready for a relationship but you still kept pushing for it.  I don't think this is working out so I'm just going to take my stuff and say goodbye.  I'm really sorry." 
I was so done with it I literally said, "Ok, you know where your stuff is."  I'm pretty sure she wasn't expecting that.  She kind of hesitated and then got up and started cleaning out the two drawers full of stuff she had kept at my place.  And I still sat on the couch half-asleep while she was going about doing her thing.  Which took a LOT longer than it should have.  It was pretty obvious she was expecting, maybe hoping I'd make a big dramatic scene begging her not to go.  But that's not me.  It hasn't been me in forever.  My thinking, and it's been for several years now is,  If you think you can do better than me, good luck, have at it, don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.  I know my worth and I'm not begging anybody to stay.  I have way too much self respect to be chasing after anyone.  

She didn't get that, which I'm sure upset her.  I didn't bother to walk her out to her car, either.  I only got up to lock the door after she left.  See ya!  

Only, we know by now that wasn't the end.  No, it never is.  

I kept her as a friend on Facebook just to show I wasn't the bad guy this time around.  And a few weeks later, I felt I was coming down with something and I posted on my wall, "I think I'm coming down with something.  If somebody wants to come over and feed me some chicken noodle soup, I'd love you for it!"  Which if you know me, you know I say shit like that ALL the time.  And nobody EVER takes me up on it....  until this time.  
About an hour later I hear a knock at my door.  It's JB.  And she's holding a bag from Souplantation.  "I brought you some chicken noodle soup."
What.  The.  Fuck?!  Are you, what?!  Why?  What are you even doing here, why would you...  you broke up with me!  Why are you bringing me anything?  I'm sure the confusion on my face was enough to let her know she wasn't getting invited in.  So she handed me the bag and said, "Ok, hope you get better soon!" and was gone.  No, I did not eat the soup.  

It was a couple months later she calls me out of the blue.  I had celebrated my birthday that weekend and posted a lot of fun pictures from that night.  I think I had fun.  It was my birthday, there's little chance I was sober enough to remember what happened.  And again, I kept her as a friend on Facebook but didn't keep track on what she was up to but I still answered.  She's upset because her friends hurt her feelings.  This was something that happened often and I saw it several times when we were together.  I even told her back then that she needed better friends.  Most of her clusters of friends, because she literally had 4 or 5 different groups of friends.  None of them knew about the others and none of them really treated her as anything more than an acquaintance.  She would only get invited to big group outings but no one ever really connected with her on a more meaningful level.  Yet, she persisted.  And before long, I agreed to let her come over that Monday...  why, why, why do I do this to myself???
She comes over and in the time she's there, we spend most of the time talking about her life and mine and then she turns the conversation to what happened between us and what went wrong.  She admitted she had never been ready for a relationship.  The phrase you're probably looking for is, No doy! And then admitted that she hadn't been fair to me because she kept wondering about a friend of hers and what it might have been like to date him.  Hold on, it gets better.  She actually took a step forward herself and approached him after she and I broke up and asked him if he may have been interested in being more than friends, if there was any interest.  He rejected her.  
She followed that up by complaining that there was one of the girls in my group of friends that she felt was too friendly/too relaxed with me and JB was tempted to confront her about it.  In effect, ask my friend why she was making googly eyes at her boyfriend.  Yeah, that would have been awkward if she had gone through with that.  And don't forget, she JUST admitted to me that she was interested in another guy the entire time she and I were dating!  JB was so sure that this other girl and I were going to hook up once she was out of the picture.  That didn't happen.  

About a month later, I was laying out at home alone and was about to call a friend and catch up on stuff when my phone rings and it's JB again.  Why did I answer?  Apparently I never learn.  She's clearly upset, almost in tears because another one of her "friends" turned out to not be as good of a friend that she thought she had been.  I reminded her that her friends were shit people and she needed to surround herself with a better class of friend.  
Eventually while we're talking, she manages to bring the conversation back around to us and our breakup.  Clearly she obsesses about things.  In case you hadn't been able to take note of that by now.  
Only this time, I flippantly mention that before she and I started dating that yes, there was a girl I was interested in at the time.  It's true, I'm not going to lie, she and I were broken up and let's be honest, I'm interested in girls ALL the time.  Whether or not I act upon it is an entirely different matter.  But she zeroed in on that point, naturally.  She twisted the meaning of my words: "Oh, so you only dated me because I was accessible?!" 
Isn't it interesting how some might have taken that comment as a compliment, which it was.  That I was willing to pass on any other girls, any other opportunities to be with JB.  Whereas JB decided to interpret that comment to assume she was the runner-up for my affections.  And don't forget, just a short time ago she admitted that she was interested in ANOTHER guy the ENTIRE time she and I were dating and she broke up with me to try to get together with him. 
But somehow, I was the bad guy 

After that I did unfriend her, deleted and blocked her number.  I just couldn't anymore.  

Funny thing though, I found out through the grapevine that about 4 or 5 months later, she had gotten married.  LOL  After ALL that, she found a guy that put up with her crazy enough to put a ring on it.  

God, I wish I could make this stuff up.  But I'm not that creative.   

Honey Bunnies - Pt I

 I've never fully put this relationship down in words before, mostly because I was logging about bad online dating experiences and I met JB in a more traditional method.  That's not to say it WASN'T a bad dating experience.  Only that I've never written down the hows and the whys, only made mention of the ridiculousness of what happened not only with how it ended but what happened after we stopped dating.  But let's work towards the end rather than starting there.  

Summer of 2010, I was an organizer for a movie Meetup group.  As someone who grew up with such a vast access to pop culture, moviegoing was at the top of my list and I first joined this Meetup group because I thought it would be fun to meet other like-minded individuals and attend movies as part of a group so we could discuss the movies afterwards.  Simple, right?  
But after being in this group for a few months, and having suggested multiple movies to the group organizer, she decided rather than set up everything on her own, she added me as an assistant organizer.  I didn't mind because I was interested in a greater variety of films that just weren't her cup of tea.  

I would often pick documentaries and art-house fare because I have an interest in those and I eventually scheduled a group outing to watch the documentary about soldiers embedded in Afghanistan, Restrepo.  Being a documentary, I figured it was going to be a small group anyway.  And the evening of the showing, it was only going to be a foursome.  Myself and 3 people I'd never met from the group before.  Cool.  I also recommended a happy hour before the movie at a chain restaurant that happened to be in the same parking lot as the theater.  I think it may have been Chilis.  Anyway, I'm sitting in the bar by myself but facing the door just to keep an eye out for anyone wandering in looking lost.  And that's how I came to first meet JB.  

JB, I recall, wandered into the bar area with a determined look on her face, like she knew who she was going to see.  Then I see her make a couple of rounds around the bar before walking just outside.  And I guess I can give a brief description of the girl I saw since some of this info plays out later.  She was cute, brunette with a round face, a little...  thick but not curvy, stocky I guess would be my best description of her.  Anyway, she walked outside the restaurant and I get a call on my phone.  Yep, that was her.  She was looking for me, I told her I saw her walk around looking for someone but wasn't sure it was her.  Mind you, my profile on Meetup had my photo, since I was an organizer, that's kind of important.  Hers did not.  She comes back in and we get to chatting, another drink, an appetizer and we're maybe 15 minutes to showtime before we wrap it up and head over.  The other two hadn't shown up but I assumed they were going to meet up at the theater.  Nope.  Not there either.  So our party of 4 was now just JB and I.  No worries.  

Restrepo was and still IS a fantastic film about our Marines based in Taliban controlled territory.  If you haven't seen it, make some time and add it to your watchlist.  

After the film, and mind you, this was mid-week, I walk JB out to her car and she starts to open up.  Seems the film really struck a nerve with her.  She had been dating a Marine and he broke up with her before he shipped off overseas, to Afghanistan.  So everything we just watched, she was connecting to her ex.  We're still talking when we get to her car and she finally breaks down and starts to cry.  Ooph...  I couldn't just stand there awkwardly, so I wrap her up in a hug and hold on until she's recovered enough.  She thanks me for doing that and once she's composed enough to drive, she gets into her car and drives off.  

It wasn't technically a date since it wasn't as though I asked her out, it was a group activity, we just happened to be the only two in the group.  But over the following days, she reaches out and we get to talking, see one another at more movie events that I scheduled and she even joined a 20s and 30s social group I was a member of.  I guess at this point I can mention that she's 10 years younger than me.  28 to my 38.  I honestly didn't think much of it at the time but I will say she looked MUCH younger than 28.  Something that will come up later.  

Bear in mind, at this point in time, I was also in a FWB situation with A., whom you may remember from previous stories.  And this time around, A. was actively trying to be more than just FWB.  But once JB came into the picture, she and I were doing all sort of things together.  Both with the meetup groups and sometimes she'd call me out of the blue to just hang out and do stuff.  Nothing beyond just being friends at the time but it was taking up more and more of my time that I stopped reaching out to A. and she didn't care for that.  I found out later how much she didn't care for that.  

Anyway, after several weeks, I kind of suggested to JB if maybe we could progress our friendship.  We were getting to being one another's +1 without actually saying it.  I wanted to say it.  She didn't like the idea.  Going so far as to tell me she just wasn't ready to be dating anybody.  Despite the fact that we were pretty much dating minus the intimacy.  She was coming over to my place for movie nights even.  But we weren't dating.  We would be going out with other couples who were dating, double dates truth be told.  But she wasn't ready to call it for what it was.  I ended up giving her a drawer in my bathroom for her stuff.  But we weren't dating.  

Finally, after a few months, literally MONTHS of this, remember we met in late June and we were now crossing into September, Labor Day weekend, we were on a non-date, just the two of us to 1,000 Steps Beach and stayed out there just past sunset, the water rising to overtake our spot on the sand.  And on the drive back to her place, she quietly asked; "So, are we dating?"
"Yeah, pretty much." I replied.  And I asked, "Are you ok with that?"  
She paused for what felt like several minutes before she said, "Yeah." and nodded.  I held her hand on the rest of the drive back to her place.  

Mind you, her place was just a room her parents were paying to rent from her grandmother.  Very odd relationship with her family, to say the least.  Since granny was home, I wasn't going to be allowed in so we kissed on her front step...  Yeah, it took that long before our first kiss.  Remember, months of not-dating.  And she went in.  And while that was our first official kiss, we made up for lost time over the following weeks.  In addition to her drawer of stuff in my bathroom, she got a drawer in my dresser and she made use of it often as she was coming over pretty much most nights and staying the weekends.  
One of the first times I made dinner for her, she had to run to a family dinner on a full stomach but she promised she'd come back as soon as it was over.  I was doing the dishes and stupid me, ignoring my own precautions, ended up slicing my finger open cleaning a chef's knife.  
I made it to urgent care, got stitched back and home before she got back  And she asked why I was wearing a gauze wrapped around my finger.  I told her and she practically cried.  "You bled for me?!" Not exactly but she wanted to thank me and who am I to deny her that?  lol
It was when the time came to get the stitches out that I couldn't get an appointment to get them done at Kaiser so she decided she was going to do it for me.  The death grip she had on my hand while she was working on it hurt more than pulling the stitches did.  

And I have to say, she was fun to date.  She was a passholder and on one of our earlier dates to Disney, we were running around in the rain like a couple of kids, we just clicked on a very base level.  We shared memes we'd find online and on one Disney trip, we were having a hard time trying NOT to laugh at one kid on the tram line screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!  I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE!" and within 15 seconds of the tram in motion, that kid was ZONKED out.  Hah!  
This is a girl whom I would get into random tickle fights at my place or while out with groups of friends.  We bought a waffle iron to take to a loft party and made waffles for the group.  lol  Utterly random fun.  We all know this wasn't going to last.

A few of her really bizarre quirks was her lack of personal space.  Specifically, recognizing mine.  I had a thing going on with one of my teeth at the time and once she stopped me as I was coming out of the shower and looked at my mouth.  Then she stuck her fingers in my mouth and opened it up to get a better look at my tooth.  Like you might do with a pet who ate something he wasn't supposed to.  

One weekend, she was housesitting for her parents and invited me over while they were out.  We half-heartedly watched a movie on Pay-per-view and called it an early night.  nudge, nudge, wink, wink.  Too bad she didn't let me sleep entirely.  No, not that, I meant in the morning.  Again, not that you pervs.  No, she woke me up around 6:30 and told me I had to leave.  Say what?  Her parents might be back soon.  Wait, they're staying at a hotel in Huntington Beach.  They're not going to have to check out until 11 at the earliest.  We've got a few hours.  But she demanded I leave anyway.  Odd a 28-year-old woman was worried about what her parents would say having her boyfriend over to spend the night.  She made it up for it later but still.  

Another of her quirks was body dysmorphia.  I guess that's not really a quirk but a full on mental disorder.  Her grandmother especially harassed her about her weight, which I mentioned earlier, she was stocky.  Nothing she could do about that but she was still obsessed with gaining weight and her "imperfections."  And she admitted she develops keloids, so she was terrified of getting surgery for anything because of the scar tissue.  This plays a part later.  

Beyond those, I believed to be little issues, things were going rather well.  And come the end of September, I was going to D.C. for a work related conference.  She dropped me off at the airport, we kissed goodbye and were both looking forward to seeing each other again the following Sunday when I got back.  This is when things really took a turn.  

To be continued... 

It's Just Not Worth It

March 2011

Maybe I should just stay the bad guy.  Seems as though being forgiving means that allows me to be further attacked for something I might have said or done.  An off-hand remark or comment gets over-analyzed, scrutinized and then thrown back at me months after the fact.  Just because the person I “offended” has their own personal demons to contend with. 

I rarely talk so openly about a bad relationship or the underlying causes as to what happened.  Sure, I’ll mention a bad date as a lark in a post or a blog.  And I’ll share with my closest friends certain instances where my former flame seemed to have run off the rails.  But for the most part, few of you know just how bad some of my relationships have been in the past year. 

Sure enough, my most recent relationship ended on a sour note.  But recently, after being sent birthday greetings by my ex, I decided, I would at least open the door to an exchange between us.  After all, despite her being the one who broke up with me, there were truly no hard feelings on my part.  She had her own issues that arose during the course of our relationship and as it went on, I knew we weren’t meant to be.  So the night she decided to break up with me, I didn’t argue it, didn’t fight it, didn’t beg her to reconsider.  I just let it end. 

So again, after my spectacular birthday weekend, she called and left me a voicemail wishing me well and, like I said, I felt compelled to offer an olive branch.  No hard feelings.  Unfortunately, she seemed to have taken that as a sign that all was right with us again and wanted to go back to being friends.  Whoa, slow down there girl.  But no, she asked to come over on Monday night (what am I doing, what am I doing…) and spent the next few hours here discussing her life and mine and of course, going over what went wrong with us.  She admitted that she had never been ready for a relationship (SHOCKER!) and it wasn’t fair to me that, in the back of her mind, she kept wondering about another friend of hers and what it might have been like to date him…  No, wait, it gets better.  She actually approached him shortly after she and I broke up and asked him if there was any interest.  He rejected her. 

She then went on to complain that there was one girl in my group of friends that she felt was too friendly/relaxed with me and she was tempted to confront her about it.  In effect, ask her why she was making googly eyes at her boyfriend.  Remember, my ex wanted to be with someone else.  So, she didn’t confront her about it at the time but she was so sure that after she and I broke up, that friend and I would have immediately started seeing one another.  We didn’t. 

Moving forward to last night.  I was home alone with nothing to do but about to call up a friend to catch up when my phone rings and it’s the ex again.  Clearly upset because she had just had another problem with a “friend” of hers that wasn’t as good a friend as she wanted her to be.  I suppose it’s my fault for answering the phone but eventually, after she vents about her lack of quality friends, she continues back to our reason for breaking up.  She’s a touch OCD so she enjoys going over the same subject ad nauseam.  This time, during the conversation, I flippantly mention that before she and I started dating, I was interested in another girl at the time.  It’s true; I’m interested in girls all the time.  Whether or not anything happens is a different matter.  But she zeroed in on that point and somehow my interest in someone else before I met her turned into, “Oh, so you only dated me because I was accessible?”  Wait, what?!  Isn’t it interesting how someone might have taken that comment as me dropping my other interest for them as a compliment?  Whereas, the ex, decided to take it to an entirely different perspective and assume she was runner-up for my affections?  Remember, she was interested in ANOTHER guy the ENTIRE time we were dating and broke up with me to try to get together with him. 

I genuinely wasn’t upset when we broke up last October.  More relived that it was over and done with.  But here I was at the start of a new year and I thought, well, I can be civil about it and at least talk with her.  Let her know there weren’t any hard feelings on my part.  Turns out, she’s still just as crazy as ever.  And her number goes right back to being blocked on my phone.  So much for trying to be a nice guy.

There Be Dinos Here!

 This is a re-telling of a date and the events leading up to it from January 2011.  I could have sworn I had it written out before but can't seem to find it.  Fortunately, or unfortunately, my memory won't let me forget the lead-in, night of and even a follow-up.  WHAT?!  There was more?  Just wait...

Back towards the end of 2010, I struck up a conversation with a girl on a dating site.  I can't recall which.  It may have been POF, could have been Match, I don't remember exactly.  But we started off casually, opening up, getting to know each other and she seemed pretty interested in me.  She worked at a school district as a clerk/office assistant/something along those lines.  Since it was end of the year, we set our date for immediately after the new year.  I don't think it was anything like, New Year, New You mentality.  More like, we both had holiday parties, plans and celebrations to get through and bringing a date to any of those could be REALLY awkward to start things off.  

We set the date for right after the new year but before my birthday.  I'm well aware after so many years, the dangers of meeting someone new around the holidays because my celebrations carry over a full week (or more) into the new year.  Someone new at this time of year would be unfair to suddenly drop them into a "it's my birthday and here are all my best friends to help me celebrate" type of things.  I can't intentionally make it hard for someone new to come into.  

Anyway, our date is set and for the first time EVER in my dating life, I got REALLY curious about my date that I actually Googled her.  Didn't take long to find a couple of pages of hers.  Nothing on social media per se, MySpace/Facebook, et al.  But I did find a couple of blogs of hers, one much more recent than the other.  Both being photo heavy types.  Interesting layout but I digress.  The older blog mentioned a guy she was dating, the love of her life, guy she wants to be the father of her kids.  And the last post was maybe a couple of years ago.  Alright, we all make mistakes in who we think we're meant to be with for life or longer.  

But it was the second, more recent blog that got my attention.  In that, she openly shared about her RECENT ex.  The love of her life, the guy she wanted to be the father of her kids...  Yeah, same dude.  Apparently she and the dude had been dating for a few years, they had talked about marriage and kids and then some big blowout happened around Thanksgiving...  "But wait!" you must be saying, "Didn't you two just start talking just after Christmas?  A month later???  And you would be correct!  Wait, it gets better...  

Turns out she was talking about how she needed to put herself out there again, try to get over him.  But she wished he could give her another chance.  She was set to go out to dinner with a guy (That would be me!) but she still wished her ex would come around.  That's right ladies and gents, I'm the rebound.  Not just the rebound but the, if the ex comes to his senses, I'll be the guy getting dropped in a heartbeat.  Not the best mentality to take into a first date.  Which means, at this point, I have nothing to gain from my date in a couple of days.  

In the lead in to our date, and actually, something I started telling any potential dates was that I've been keeping an online journal cataloging all my bad dates.  And I'd follow that up with, "You can either be a great date or you'll be a great story I'll share with my friends later."  I said this warning to all my potential dates for a few years.  

Night of the date we meet up at a BBQ joint in Long Beach.  She lived in the LBC...  Which, come to think of it, I've had a LOT of bad dates with girls from Long Beach...  We meet, chit-chat as we're eating.  I wait until I've fully chewed and swallowed before speaking, I'm not an animal.  And we get to talking about random stuff for a while and I mentioned having gone to the Smithsonian the previous Summer and seeing the fossils on display at the Natural History Museum there and that lead into the most bizzare exchange.

I said something like, it's easy to see how stories of dragons must have originated in antiquity.  Older societies, not knowing what they were looking at, would have assumed these fossilized bones could be construed that these fantastic creatures were something they weren't.  The ancient Greeks thought that the bones of mammoths were giant, one-eyed men.  Cyclops.  How easily could a farmer plowing his field suddenly dig up large, serpentine looking bones (brachiosaur?) and assume it may have been a dragon?  Logically, it's plausible.  

Her counterpoint was that dragons were real.  That they were like dinosaurs.  And that dinosaurs lived alongside man.  

"Wait, what?"  

"Yeah, dinosaurs and cavemen lived at the same time."  

"What?  What makes you think that?"

"The pictures."  

"What pictures?"

"You've seen pictures of cavemen riding dinosaurs, haven't you?" 

I can only imagine the look I must have given her for legit believing that.  And it wasn't a joke on her part.  There wasn't any sly wink or knowing smirk.  No, she was dead serious.  And after a few silent moments, she finally asked,
"Is this going to be one of those dates you talk about with your friends?"

"oh, yeah." I nodded.  

"Awkward." was her nearly silent reply.

The rest of the dinner went, I walked her to her car and got the one-armed side hug.  You know the one that says, I don't hate you but I don't expect to ever see or hear from you again.  

So imagine my shock when 10 days later she texts me out of the blue.  Exactly 10 days later with not a peep between us since that night. 
"So I guess this means we're done?"  

Yep, genius.  

All The Small Things

March 23, 2011

It never fails to amaze me at how some things, no matter how small or seemingly inconsequential can bring with it a host of memories or emotions in a person.  Our senses, our major connection to the world around us, can create triggers, set in motion a cascading effect of neurons, impulses, echoes of times past.  Open a jar of Play-Doh and our first response is usually to take a whiff.  That distant, vanilla cookie scent, no matter what color it might be, is always there.  But associated with that is playing with it as a child.  Creating crude figures, really little more than a winding snake shaped into “legs” and “arms,” a little round head.  If you were really lucky and had a press, you could shape it into something more distinct.  Maybe it turned into something resembling food.  Or it became the “hair” to the little plastic figures in another set.  Of course, once you started to mix all the colors, it became impossible to separate.  Reds became purple as blues and greens mixed in.  Yellow turned into a rainbow swirl.  And of course, mom would beg you to put it all back into the little tub.  Sure enough, there was always a stray bit that managed to work its way into the carpet.  And all the while, that faint cookie smell was always there. 

The waxy smell of opening a brand new box of crayolas was a distinctive joy.  And if I were lucky enough to get that big box of 64, oh boy!  The sharpener in the back that I'd use just to bring out a point, even if they didn't need it. 

For years, my dad would use Brut aftershave and Speedstick deodorant.  Both were green, now that I think about it.  But, I always think of my dad whenever I see them sitting on the aisle in the stores.  Their distinctive smell reminding me of a time when my dad was the biggest, strongest man I knew.  Someone I looked up to… 

As I was growing up and he worked for Patti-Port, he started to become a delivery driver for them towards the end of his employment there.  Driving out to their satellite facilities in Indio or Saticoy once every few months to pick up awnings.  I was probably 9 or 10 at the time when he started taking me along for the ride.  I didn’t know much about it other than it took me out of school for the day, so I was all excited about it.  I slept most of the drive, of course.  Thinking back, there were a handful of times when he asked me to go with him during my summer break and I didn’t want to go.  It was Summer, I didn’t need an excuse to get out of class for the day!  30 years later, I wish I hadn’t avoided those trips.  I wish I had stayed up with him on those drives.  I wish I had more memories of him when he was still young and strong.  Now, when I think of my dad, I mostly see a shell of the man he once was.  His diabetes has taken such a toll on his frame, slowly eating him away.  His attitude and fire are still there in his heart but the body is no longer able. 

I don’t see him as often since moving out here.  And the days I do make it out to visit, it’s usually just sitting in the living room, quietly watching TV.   Sometimes my sister’s two boys will start to play with us, if they’re not napping.  But typically, we just sit. 

And I always wonder…  and wait…  and hope it doesn’t come

The Fox Who Lost Its' Tail

September 16, 2011

Oh, the characters we meet along the way in life.  Some are friends, some are less than that.  Even when they claim to be.  I think of one person specifically as I write this.  I won’t mention her name as a few of you from way back might remember her.   She and I haven’t spoken in years and although we were briefly Facebook friends a couple years ago, she deleted me a few months later and I didn’t really care. 

Looking back, she reminded me a lot of Aesop’s fable about the Fox Who Lost His Tail.  It’ll make more sense as I explain a little more.  When I first met this girl in college, we got along fairly well and a friendship seemed to have been born practically overnight.  We started hanging out, talking and I got to know much more about her.  She and her boyfriend were living at her mom’s place.  They were looking at engagement rings and planning their lives together.  Hey, good for her, you know?  Then a few months along the way as she started hanging out more and more with my group of friends, she seemed to have lost interest in her fiancé and was spending more and more time with my friends.  Then before we all knew it, she was single and playing the field.  She expressed an interest in one of my friends, who was living with his girlfriend at the time.  I think if I had made any sort of move towards her, I probably could have gotten somewhere.  But I didn’t.  She was a friend, it just seemed awkward to even consider it.  That didn’t stop her though and she went after yet another friend of mine.  They were an item for a couple months over the summer and while I’m not sure who broke up with whom, it was over almost as soon as it began.

We would still hang out and talk, of course but then she really started talking nonsense which is where the analogy to Aesop comes in.  Now, I’m not one to judge anyone as to what’s morally right or wrong but, at one point, she decided to declare herself as a “born-again virgin.”  Huh?!  Yeah, she had started reading some book about how you can control your own sexual destiny and as easy as that, she could consider herself a virgin and hold out until she met the right guy…  um…  ok?  Mind you, just months earlier she had been with one friend, wanted to be with another and I could have been as well.  But if she wants to think of herself as a virgin, ok…  *shrug

It only got weirder as she went off to Cal State LA and continued her education, working towards her degree in television/film production.  I distinctly remember her razzing me for not doing the same.  I was already an assistant instructor at the college and we were the same age.  But me not going off and getting my degree meant I was somehow not as good in the field as she was.  She even reused the cliché, “Those who can, do.  Those who can’t, teach.”  Interesting seeing as how her first and only job in the industry was as some director’s personal assistant.  Not actually working on a set but more like a personal secretary, valet.  She’d housesit for him, walk his dogs and pick up his laundry from the cleaners.  Great job doing!  I’ll stick to teaching, thank you very much.  Last I heard, she had quit the field altogether and was in real estate before the bubble burst a few years ago.

Another highlight in my weary friendship with her was that after she moved to LA and was enjoying the single life, she swore up and down that she’d never get married because she’d never find anyone she could be happy with.  She got into the whole B&D scene and would happily tell me about some of the clients she would entertain.  So imagine my surprise when she literally quit the lifestyle, turned around and found a guy and got married within a year after that.  And of course, now my biggest fault was with being single.  She would tell me how much happier I could be if I found somebody to settle down with like she had with her guy.  What?! 

Apparently, whatever I did wasn’t the right thing to do unless it was something she was doing.  Sorry, I could never get into the B&D lifestyle.  My skin’s too sensitive to vinyl.