Adventures in Online Dating - 2017 Edition

Originally Published October, 2017

Truth be told, I didn’t want to write this out.  Truth be told, I didn’t want to admit that I’d gone back into the primordial ooze that is online dating.  Truth be told, it was a failed experiment that I started almost 3 months ago and finished 2 weeks ago.  Net sum number of dates: 2.  Neither date elicited a second meeting. 

Truth be told, I’ve gotten so burned out by the process of meeting women online that, it’s just become a giant waste of time.  Maybe I’ve become too cynical?  Maybe my standards are too high?  Maybe something I used to look past previous, I now realize, I can’t stomach? 

There were a lot of potential hits and plenty of misses in my recent foray into the cesspool.  Unsurprisingly, there were a couple of familiar faces still trolling the internet to find their perfect match.  But by and large, there were a whole new set of personalities that brought with them, a whole new set of issues. 

First and foremost, for some bizarre reason, according to my informal poll based on online dating profiles, all the women in their mid-40s are now making at least $75k per year and are at minimum 5’ 8”.  I guess every other woman that doesn’t fit this description must either be spoken for or not looking online for love?  Second, when a woman initiates first contact, believe it or not, I did receive more than a few first emails.  But in almost every single instance, their email consisted of this exact same message: “Hey there. :)” It’s almost as though there’s a How-To manual for women on how to approach a gentleman online and they recommend that as an intro message.  I’m sorry, my profile description was pretty in-depth.  As you all are probably aware, I tend to write a LOT when I write, so when I write about my favorite topic, Me, I’m going to be rather verbose.  So when I get a two-word and a smiley message, I’m just going to file that under the little trash can icon.  There’s a bit of an art to having a conversation and, well, clearly you’re still working with finger paints if you can’t form more than two words at a time.  What I find most curious is that, so many women complain that of the messages they receive, they get frustrated with the lack of creativity or even the cookie-cutter approach.  Yet, “Hey there. :)” is  as long as they’re initiating it? 

Of the handful of ladies that managed to make it to more than a cursory greeting, it got even weirder. 

Obviously, I’m going to mention my love of costuming/cosplay/Halloween.  And there was one girl who didn’t like to dress up.  Ever.  I’m sorry.  Did you READ my profile or even look at the photo of me in a costume when we started writing?  Sure, we don’t have to match up perfectly on everything but, I’d at least like someone to be moderately interested in joining me at some events. 

It probably took about a month before I finally connected with somebody and things went along so well that we talked about meeting for nearly a month before we finally managed to eek out an afternoon for lunch together.  Mind you, in the two weeks before we met, she started sending me more and more suggestive photos.  Well, that’s not entirely true.  One wasn’t even suggestive at all but a full-on look up her hoo-ha.  Good morning!  I think she was pretty eager to meet me.  Funny, she actually lives about half a mile or so from my office. 

Anyway, we finally meet up for lunch.  5’ 8”, blonde hair, green eyes, curvy hourglass figure...  Is what I’m SUPPOSED to meet.  I’m sure you can all guess which of those were true?  She did have green eyes and sandy blonde hair.  And the photos she had posted and some she had sent were from either several years ago or very creative angles. 

Actually, in all honestly, that worked out for the best between the both of us because immediately following the lunch date, we both sort of just stopped texting one another.  She didn’t seem all that interested when her replies to my texts turned into 4 word answers, if that.  So my texts eventually stopped and she didn’t seem to mind. 

In the time leading up to that date, however, there was a blast from the past.  A former Adventure in Online Dating story come back to life!  WHAT?! 

This here’s the story of a girl I met online shortly after I moved to Huntington Beach, so this was either 2009 or 2010.  Anyway, we hit it off pretty well from the start, messaging back and forth and even had a date set to meet after a few days.  We were going to go out on a Saturday and come Thursday, she messaged me that she had a dental issue going on, some swelling in her cheek that she was afraid made her look like a chipmunk.  Not the way she wanted to look for a first date so could we please reschedule.  Sure, no problem. 

Come Saturday night, she was texting me and she mentioned she was in Vegas.  What?  Wish you were here!  And sent me a photo of her in bed before getting ready to head out for the night...  Great...  So, it wasn’t that you were worried about your appearance, it was that you had a better offer and headed to Vegas instead.  Awesome. 

I stopped talking to her right then.  And again, that was 7 - 8 years ago?

Flash forward to almost 2 months ago and I see her profile online once again.  Hey, I know you!  Was pretty much my first message to her and it took her a few days to reply.  And even after that, it took a few more messages for me to remind her that we did know one another.  Her sister lived here, she worked there, she was into this and that...  “Wow, you’ve got a GREAT memory!”  Oh, if you truly knew...

Over the course of the next few weeks, we’re getting into a comfort zone and planning on a date, FINALLY meeting up after, 7 years?  Give or take.  I specifically DON’T mention getting stood up all that time ago because, I figure, things change, life happens, hopefully she’s grown up and matured since then.  I mean, I know what I’ve done in 7 years, and she tells me that she moved in with a guy, married and divorced him, moved back in with her parents...  oh, and she developed a heart condition.  During our messages leading up to finally meeting, she underwent a procedure to relieve pressure on her heart. 

Anyway, date night happened this last Sunday night, Haunt.  And I can tell you, even before the date, I was already checked out.  We had plans for dinner at 4 and she messaged me about 1 to ask if we could push it back to 4:30-5.  Seems her morning ran longer than she expected and needed the extra time.  Well, if Haunt opens at 7 and we’re just meeting up at 5 for dinner...  Whatever, I’ve got a pass anyway.  Then at 2:30, she messages me again, I can try to make it at 4!  Great!  I guess I should probably start getting ready because I thought we were meeting closer to 5. 

When we meet, she’s 15 minutes late even though she was parked and in her car when I pulled into the parking lot...  how does that happen?  The parking lot wasn’t that big!  To add to this, she kept doing something that KILLS me when I’m trying to have a conversation with someone else.  She asked me something specific, it’s going to involve me telling a bit of a story or background and after I’m about 2 sentences in, she cuts me off to interrupt with her anecdote.  Like she only asked the question so she could direct the conversation back to herself in some way.  By the third time she did it, that was it.  I was ready to go.  That’s just the way she’s going to be.  All about herself.  Sure enough, she got to talking about her and her twin sister’s incredible weight loss that made them nationally famous for a few months almost 20 years ago.  Everything I was a fan of, she “knew” or was “friends with” someone in that industry. 

My favorite burlesque performer is...  Oh, I’m friends with her!

I soldiered on but honestly, by the time we were leaving the park, I just wanted to go home and sleep.  Alone.  And I made it pretty obvious in my attitude towards her. 

When she texted me yesterday she said she had a great time but we just aren’t a match and wished me well.  I let her know I was thinking the exact same thing but, good luck! 

Would things have been different had we met 7 years ago?  I think so.  I think I wouldn’t have contacted her again this time around.