Cheetos Never Prosper

April, 2010

 Yes, I’m going there. The majority of my friends have heard this story told, time and again over the past year since it first happened but it’s just too funny for me to keep having to re-tell face to face. I won’t mention this person by name as we do have some associates in common. But most of them have already heard this story at least once before. And let’s face it, it’s just too bizarre to not put down in words.

This literally happened a year ago. Almost to the very day. Baseball season had just begun in 2010 and I had an extra ticket for my second game of the season so I asked a young lady whom I was just starting to get to know if she’d like to join me. She accepted and I figured, well, let me get your number so we can figure out when and where to meet before the game. She suggested we just meet at a nearby sports bar and just walk over. O.k., I can do that.

Met her at the bar practically across the street from the stadium and she had a whole grocery bag full of snacks for the game. Literally way more food than just two people should be snacking on for a ball game. Yes, it was that much. We head into the stadium, find our seats and as we’re getting situated, I turn to the empty seat next to me and lay my backpack down as I’m settling in. I turn back towards the field and there at the bottom edge of my vision, I see something that makes me tilt my head down to see what it was and there it is. A Chee-to. Not on the ground mind you, no, this chee-to was being held in her fingertips. Pointed at me. It wasn’t an open bag, it wasn’t even in her opened palm holding it out for me. No, this was her FEEDING me a chee-to. It took me a second to realize it was even being offered to me that way but I leaned forward and took it.

Now, I haven’t had anyone feed me anything since I was a wee-little one. And it’s been a LONG time since I was a wee-little one. But she continued to feed me, one by one, the entire bag of chee-tos. Crunchy, if you all must know. I figure, on a first date, being hand fed anything is usually a good sign.

The rest of the date went, I thought, fairly well. It wasn’t a particularly cool night at the ballpark but she insisted we snuggle up under the snuggie she brought. She had been to the game a few nights before when the Angels set the record for most snuggies worn by the most people at one time. Yeah, that was pretty silly but whatever. Anyway, she brought that with her and practically wrapped up the two of us in it. Dare I say, this was going too smoothly for me? Of course it was.

The opportunity must have come and gone as I didn’t make a move towards kissing her at the ballgame but there was the walk back across the street to our cars so I thought I’d get my chance by then. Nope. As we were leaving the stadium, she seemed to be in something of a hurry so I could barely keep up and by the time we got back to our cars, she seriously made a bee-line to dropping her stuff in the back seat and giving me the hug and pat on the back, thanking me for the game.

Whoa, what? Wait. Huh? Yeah, we should definitely hang out again.

Yeah, sure.

So, can I get your number at least?

Oh, we’ll see each other around.

And with that, she hopped into her car and was gone. In the days and weeks afterwards, the more I got to hear about her, know about her, I’m so happy nothing ever did develop. But it really struck me as odd that she seemed so involved with that one date that to not even get her number… So very odd.

At least we'll always have Cheetos.