Originally Published February 14, 2013
I'll let you all in on a secret. I went back into the pond just before the end of last year. Don’t know if it was because of boredom… wait, no, that’s not true. I remember exactly why I went back. I was at a holiday party talking with a couple of friends and they admitted to having met on the most reviled of all dating sites I can think of. And they’ve now been married for a little over a year and a half. If it worked for them, why hadn’t it worked for me? I figured, I was going to go ahead and plunge right back in and try it out again. Maybe there was something or someone I missed. Right? Heh… We all know how this is going to turn out.
Of course, I immediately saw a lot of the same faces on there. Some things never change. Lots of girls who are still on Fish for their own reasons, sure. Maybe they were like me? They’d meet someone and things would go well for a while and when it doesn’t work out, they come back. Or maybe they get sick of it and delete their own profiles only to come back, like Al Pacino in Godfather III.
Anyway, after the first few regulars, I did start talking to a girl from up around Glendale. Seemed very promising. We started writing just after the new year, were on the phone on a Tuesday and made plans to meet up that following weekend. She was an elementary school principal. Very impressive for her age. I drove up to Pasadena to have lunch with her and despite her running late, everything went… pleasantly. Nothing really sparked or clicked but that happens, I understand. Still, I wouldn’t mind seeing her again. She must have had other ideas because despite all our nightly phone calls the week leading up to our date and constant text messages, they quickly dried up and by Thursday, I was in pretty familiar territory. Oh well, it happens.
Luckily for me, it happened right away. I was in contact with another girl, something about working in an optometrist office as an assistant. She was pretty vague about it and she hated working for that particular doctor. Again, things seemed to be moving pretty smoothly so when I asked for a Saturday date the following week. She was/is a single mother and shares custody on alternating weekends. I get it. Anyway, she admitted she had kept her schedule open hoping I would get around to asking her. That’s always nice to hear…
But that was still over a week away and on Monday, she mentioned that she would prefer to move the date to the following week. Uh… ok. Non-specific day mid-week? Since she was supposed to have her son again that weekend. Yeah, no problem. Then she dropped an interesting ‘joke’ during one of our conversations. I honestly couldn’t tell if she was joking but she said that I was her second choice for a potential relationship from guys she had been talking to… Well, if there’s ever something a girl could tell a guy to make him feel like number 2 that would be it right there. Needless to say, if she hadn’t stopped texting me after that, I’m pretty sure I would have.
And the last and certainly least in this whole debacle of online dating was the Argentine Queen. At least that’s what she called herself on her profile. If it hadn’t been for that really bad one last year that began and ended in a day, THIS one would take the cake for craziest in the shortest amount of time.
I emailed her on Friday morning and she seemed pretty excited to have heard from me. Granted, I saw her profile a few days before and made a mental note to maybe write her but hadn’t gotten around to it until I saw her again that morning. Again, she was pretty excited that I had taken the time to write and we spent the rest of the morning writing back and forth. It was pretty quick but I said, it was too bad she had plans that evening otherwise I would have asked her out. She said she would let me know if her plans didn’t pan out. She came back less than an hour later and told me she made sure her plans were canceled. Wow, I was pretty impressed that this girl would change her schedule just to meet me that night.
I wasn’t terribly creative as to what we were going to do since I had zero time to figure anything out. All I really knew was that she lived in Long Beach so I suggested dinner at Claim Jumper (this will be important later) and a movie. Normally I would NEVER suggest dinner and a movie as a first date but as I said, I had zero planning time.
We meet up pretty late for dinner and she devoured her cheese bread so quickly, I jokingly took my plate and covered it up with my arms in a protective manner. Again, this will be important later.
Movie wasn’t bad, horror movie, never my cup of tea since they tend to be unintentionally funny. But she was squirming throughout and… well… I was the beneficiary of that. As I walked her out to her car, we talked about when we could see one another again and since we both had plans for Saturday and Sunday, since Monday was a holiday, we agreed that we’d see one another then.
But, my Saturday wrapped up early and hers did too. She ended up coming over to my place and we watched another movie… and stuff. Later on, we went to a tattoo fund-raiser at a studio just a short drive from my place and it was just after midnight when she said she was hungry. Well, not a whole lot open at this hour, thank you Orange County. It was either Jack, In-N-Out or Del Taco. She picked Del Taco since it was closer to my place and at the drive-thru, she ordered a quesadilla. *Important!
After we finished eating back at my place, she decided to get a little serious. We had already had a conversation about her serious medical issues. She was in remission, so I thought the hard stuff was already out on the table. Nope. This conversation turned into eating healthy and her wanting to lose weight. And she needed to be with someone who could help her deal with that. And, here’s the best part. She was lactose intolerant and had difficulty digesting foods containing gluten.
“Wait!” you must be saying, “What about the cheese bread last night and the quesadilla tonight?” Yes, exactly! Apparently, it was up to me to help her control her diet. Despite the fact that I knew NOTHING about what she should and shouldn’t be eating. I even said if I had known, I would have suggested something different. I’ve dated women with special dietary restrictions before. I can accommodate but I have to KNOW. That didn’t seem to matter since she was already making up her mind. She seemed ok when I walked her out to her car though. I didn’t see her Sunday, she had to work and I went off to see the Spaz in Hollywood. But I knew she liked the Spaz so I sent her text updates, wish you were here stuff. But the next morning, I got the text message from her anyway.
“I’m sorry, it’s just not going to work out between us. I need to be with someone who wants a healthier lifestyle and can help me reach my goal.”
I could have told her what I really thought of her and how crazy it is of her to expect anyone to make a commitment to her within two days of meeting her. But, what’s the use? You can’t help crazy sometimes.
Needless to say, I’ve since deleted my profile once again.
There was one last girl I met up with last weekend but nothing went wrong there. Nothing went right either. She’s a nice girl but, not at all attracted to her. I’d rather not take up her time if it’s not going to go anywhere. I couldn’t do that to someone.
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