Originally written March, 2009:
Seeing as how I haven't found a suitable blog function here on Facebook and now that Myspace is a ghost town, I figured this was as good a place as any for some of the random thoughts that cross my mind from time to time.
I'm aware that most people see me as the jovial, fun-loving big guy. I've been called a cuddly bear as a term of endearment... From a straight woman no less. Go me! But like just about everyone in this world, there are the constant trials and tribulations that go through our lives that we just have to suffer through. Sometimes in silence because we don't want to burden other people with our problems. While there are plenty of people that like to wear their hearts on their sleeve, I'm not one of them. Granted, there can be times when I quietly withdraw from activities or conversations but that's generally my way of dealing with everything. I don't like to burden people with what's going on with me. Everyone has their own problems, they don't need to be hearing about mine.
There are a precious few friends who have been there for me for AGES and I appreciate and love them for it. But even then, there are some things that they don't know about. Whether they were around or knew me when it happened or if it's just something I don't care to talk about anymore. Thinking I'm over it. Until someone casually mentions something off-hand and it comes rushing back to the forefront. I used to think having an incredible memory was a good thing. But there is so much about my life that I'd rather forget. But I can't. Memories, faces, feelings... They're all there just beneath the surface.
It's been at least 15 years since it happened. But I can remember it like it was just last night. I was still working at the college just to give you an idea of how long it's been. I only have a handful of friends who have been around that long. But, there was a girl... As there always is. And we had been talking, flirting, gone out a few times but nothing really involved just yet. She worked in the finance office while I was in TV production. Go figure, right? We were supposed to go to a concert within a week when it happened. I had gone to visit her in her department and she kind of gave me the cold shoulder while I was over there. I asked if something was bothering her but she blew it off. Puzzled, I sat in the office for a little while longer when some other guy came into the office and went straight up to her. Her attitude changed like he had flipped a light switch. Alright... I see where I stand so I got up and left. Again, I withdraw when something's bothering me.
She was supposed to have had lunch with me but considering what had happened, I wasn't surprised when she didn't show up. We didn't really talk much for the rest of the week even though we were supposed to go to the concert on Sunday. Friday rolled around and she came into the studio and went into one of the offices. I took a break from the editing project I was working on and went to go see her. She went into a rehearsed delivery. She had obviously thought out what she wanted to say about why she wasn't going to the show with me and to be honest, I kind of tuned out most of it except for one of her last lines...
"You're a lot bigger than me and I just don't think I can trust you right now."
You can never really forget an accusation like that. At least I can't. Not once did I ever think I that I could have given off that sort of feeling to her. But yet, there it was.
She eventually came looking for me a couple of weeks later while I was sitting in the office. She sat there quietly and stared at my back while I was on the computer. After a few minutes, she finally asked,
"So, aren't you ever going to speak to me again?"
"Do I have to?"
"Not if you don't want to." That was the last conversation I ever had with her.
Looking back, did I think she made other plans? Without a doubt. Was this a horrible way of getting out of a date, most certainly. But the accusation still lingers in my mind to this day.
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